Seeking
help from a marriage counselor is not unlike seeking help from a mechanic. It
makes little sense to take your car into the shop a month after it started making a horrific noise. By that time, too much
damage may have been done and your engine may be beyond repair.
By
the same token, the effectiveness of marriage counseling is directly related
not only to the willingness and motivation of both parties to put in the effort,
but also to the timing. The time to consider marriage counseling is not when
one (or both) people have already thrown in the towel.
For
instance, in some relationships, when one or both partners have already decided
to end the marriage, they may use counseling as a “safe space” to drop the news
on their spouse. This is obviously not the best timing to attempt counseling.
Sometimes
issues are too ingrained and longstanding for counseling to be truly effective.
If a couple has been building up resentment toward one another for five or more
years before seeking help, it may be too late. While counseling is a wonderful
way to help couples reconnect and heal, it is not a miracle cure.
When and How Marriage
Counseling Can Help
It’s
important that both individuals truly want the relationship to work. When both
parties are willing to invest time and energy, marriage counseling can be the
catalyst for real and lasting change.
It
is also important that couples choose a therapist who’s a good fit. Both
spouses must feel comfortable with the therapist for any progress to be made.
So,
how exactly can marriage counseling help? In a number of ways:
·
Counselors
help couples identify toxic behavioral patterns and give them tools to make adjustments.
·
Each
partner can gain new insights and perspective into the relationship.
·
Tools
help couples resolve conflicts with grace and respect so escalation can be
avoided.
·
Partners
can begin to build trust and improve communication.
If
you and your spouse decide to try marriage counseling, here are some tips for
success:
·
Take
it seriously. Commit to the work and do it.
·
Be
open. If you’ve chosen the right therapist, you should feel free and safe to
discuss your true feelings and needs. Don’t hold back. In order for therapy to
work, both people have to have the courage to be vulnerable.
·
Avoid
the blame game. Each person must take responsibility for their part.
·
Be
realistic about how long it will take before real change begins. While you can
begin using tools immediately, healing won’t happen overnight.
If
you and your partner are experiencing marital problems, don’t wait to get help.
The sooner you do, the more likely your issues can be resolved. If you or a
loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I
would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.